Recovery Tested

To say that my I've had a trying 2 months would be the understatement of the year. I haven't posted in awhile b/c truly I haven't had many panic attacks in awhile. That's not to say that I haven't been anxious because I have. But for me,  I felt like I've had my Panic Disorder under control for a few months now. Then right before Thanksgiving my mom called to tell me that my Grandmother , known to me as Memaw, was dying. She had not recovered well from her recent hip surgery. She was 83. We were planning to go down to the Gulf Coast to see her the day before Thanksgiving and my husband went to gas up the car that night and was involved in a hit and run. He was ok, but my car was not. We had to go try to get a rental car on the busiest day of the year for Enterprise -- the day before Thanksgiving. No one had any cars available. Finally at 4pm that afternoon we got a call back that they had a car.

So we drive 10 hours on Thanksgiving Day. Of course I'm a wreck and my anxiety is on a 10 the whole way. On a good day, I don't really like to travel long distance but this was like we were racing against the clock to get to see Memaw before she died. I had a panic attack in Atlanta, but of course, we survived and I was able to see her that evening. I got to tell her all the things I wanted her to hear. That she was the first person to love me unconditionally. That she would always hold a special place in my heart and that I would tell my daughter stories about her. That I would love her forever. That she could go now and be with her mother, Mawmaw. Even through the morphine and Adavan that Hospice had given her she squeezed my hand. She let me know that she could hear me. I needed that so much. Her last little gift to me.

The next morning I visited with her for awhile and then left to shower at my cousins. She died while I was gone. B/c she died in Alabama but wanted to be buried in Mississippi, where I 'm from, the funeral was 1 week later. I didn't know if I had it in me to make the drive back down. And my daughter was with me and she had to go back to school. I had work. I lashed out in grief at those closest to me. I cried and cried. The emotions where so big. I didn't think I could take it. I made the drive back home, thankfully numb. I was to emotionally spent to worry about anxiety or panic.

Then we decided to make the trip back down again that Friday. I was not going to miss her funeral. On that trip I had 2 more panic attacks. A MAJOR one on the Dolly Parton bridge coming into Mobile Bay. Let me tell you, if you have a fear of heights and/or bridges, this is not the place you want to be. You see it coming from a few miles back. It's like a highway to heaven (or hell in the sky). Here are some pics I found of it

Anyway, I basically just talked myself through the whole thing. I didn't let the panic overtake me. Even though it tried REALLY hard. I was so proud of myself. Even as the adrenaline coursed through me for the hour following the bridge. I had done it. I had conquered my fears to see my Memaw to her final resting place. And the rest of the trip was wonderful. I got to see my brothers and sister who I haven't seen in years. I got to hear my mom say wonderful things about my Memaw at the traditional Catholic funeral mass. I experienced Life and Death. It was emotional. It was overwhelming at times. But I did it. I was tested. My recovery was tested. And as Sia would say.. "I'm alive."

The panic did not win. That was a major victory and I wanted to share it because so many times over the years I didn't do this or that b/c I was scared of travel, or a bridge, or a flight, or being too far from home. I will not dwell on those lost experiences but I will celebrate my victory. A victory only my Memaw could've given me. Thank you Memaw. I love you.