Recovery Tested

To say that my I've had a trying 2 months would be the understatement of the year. I haven't posted in awhile b/c truly I haven't had many panic attacks in awhile. That's not to say that I haven't been anxious because I have. But for me,  I felt like I've had my Panic Disorder under control for a few months now. Then right before Thanksgiving my mom called to tell me that my Grandmother , known to me as Memaw, was dying. She had not recovered well from her recent hip surgery. She was 83. We were planning to go down to the Gulf Coast to see her the day before Thanksgiving and my husband went to gas up the car that night and was involved in a hit and run. He was ok, but my car was not. We had to go try to get a rental car on the busiest day of the year for Enterprise -- the day before Thanksgiving. No one had any cars available. Finally at 4pm that afternoon we got a call back that they had a car.

So we drive 10 hours on Thanksgiving Day. Of course I'm a wreck and my anxiety is on a 10 the whole way. On a good day, I don't really like to travel long distance but this was like we were racing against the clock to get to see Memaw before she died. I had a panic attack in Atlanta, but of course, we survived and I was able to see her that evening. I got to tell her all the things I wanted her to hear. That she was the first person to love me unconditionally. That she would always hold a special place in my heart and that I would tell my daughter stories about her. That I would love her forever. That she could go now and be with her mother, Mawmaw. Even through the morphine and Adavan that Hospice had given her she squeezed my hand. She let me know that she could hear me. I needed that so much. Her last little gift to me.

The next morning I visited with her for awhile and then left to shower at my cousins. She died while I was gone. B/c she died in Alabama but wanted to be buried in Mississippi, where I 'm from, the funeral was 1 week later. I didn't know if I had it in me to make the drive back down. And my daughter was with me and she had to go back to school. I had work. I lashed out in grief at those closest to me. I cried and cried. The emotions where so big. I didn't think I could take it. I made the drive back home, thankfully numb. I was to emotionally spent to worry about anxiety or panic.

Then we decided to make the trip back down again that Friday. I was not going to miss her funeral. On that trip I had 2 more panic attacks. A MAJOR one on the Dolly Parton bridge coming into Mobile Bay. Let me tell you, if you have a fear of heights and/or bridges, this is not the place you want to be. You see it coming from a few miles back. It's like a highway to heaven (or hell in the sky). Here are some pics I found of it

Anyway, I basically just talked myself through the whole thing. I didn't let the panic overtake me. Even though it tried REALLY hard. I was so proud of myself. Even as the adrenaline coursed through me for the hour following the bridge. I had done it. I had conquered my fears to see my Memaw to her final resting place. And the rest of the trip was wonderful. I got to see my brothers and sister who I haven't seen in years. I got to hear my mom say wonderful things about my Memaw at the traditional Catholic funeral mass. I experienced Life and Death. It was emotional. It was overwhelming at times. But I did it. I was tested. My recovery was tested. And as Sia would say.. "I'm alive."

The panic did not win. That was a major victory and I wanted to share it because so many times over the years I didn't do this or that b/c I was scared of travel, or a bridge, or a flight, or being too far from home. I will not dwell on those lost experiences but I will celebrate my victory. A victory only my Memaw could've given me. Thank you Memaw. I love you.

Friends and Anxiety

Right now I'm at a point of transition in my life and in my anxiety. Having had anxiety since around 2004, I've suffered at varying levels over the years. At certain points, it was only affecting my sleep (I would feel like I was going to die in my sleep and therefore had trouble falling asleep), and at other points it was so bad that I felt like I could not leave the house, leave the couch, or even actually bend over for fear of having a panic attack. Years of fear, negative thoughts, coupled with depression brought on by my anxiety, left me a changed person. Without a doubt, my anxiety had taken a once, outgoing, vivacious, funny, full of life woman and turned her into an obese introvert that is sometimes scared of her own shadow.

I've been extremely fortunate to have a wonderful, loving husband who would do anything in the world for me. I had a full blown panic attack (including trip to hospital) the night after our wedding. He has been in it with me since the beginning and has stuck by my side through it all. I will always be grateful to him for that. However, I am a woman who has always enjoyed having a group of strong, funny, women friends to run around and be wild with. 

In high school I had my softball girls, and our trips to the creek to get plastered in the hot Mississippi sun, or our neighborhood scavenger hunts that ended up in shaving cream fights. In college, of course, I was exposed to all sorts of different new people. I loved people. I loved getting to know people. I made a new friend every day of the week. My gregarious self was often times the life of the party and people enjoyed including me in things. I once hopped a car full of upper class-men headed to New Orleans on about 1 hours notice. I was up for anything. I went to Micronesia for a study abroad program for Christ's sake. I was adventurous -- is my point. 

Even after college, I always made friends in the different places I worked. Drinks after work, trips to FL, holiday gift exchanges, house parties, the works. This was my life, and nature up until about 24 years old. 

Then the anxiety came. I stopped smoking pot at 24. I stopped drinking at 26. I had heart surgery at 29. I stopped leaving the house and doing things around 33. 

That's a very condensed version of my anxiety but I don't want to get into the details of my anxiety. You can see that in other posts or if you're reading this, you most likely already know what anxiety and depression does to a person. It just makes your world smaller and smaller. 

Along the way however, all those friends I had made eventually got on with their lives. Some I had less and less in common with since I had quit partying. It's amazing how many relationships I had that revolved around drinking and rabble-rousing. And I'm not knocking it-- listen I really and truly wish I could still drink. I feel like it's great fun, and a great way to unwind and let loose. Unfortunately for me, anytime I'm not fully in control of my body and mind - I tend to have panic attacks. It's a bummer. But I guess my point is that I lost a lot of friends after I quit drinking. I didn't want to be the sober one around a bunch of drunk people and the "crazy" do anything girl that they where used to was not there anymore to keep them entertained. It just felt awkward. 

My social circle paired down to those who I truly had a connection with. And over the past few years, since I've been working from home, that circle has dwindled even more. I truly cherish the friendships that I have that remain in tact. I try my best to work hard at keeping them. Now that I am somewhat coming out of my anxiety cloud, I want to try to "get out there" and put my self in situations where I can meet new people and make new connections. However, in doing that, I am finding that I am a different person than I used to be. I have never felt socially awkward in the past, but now, it's almost like I'm out of practice or something.

I am viewing this as a phase of recovery. That's why I wanted to blog about it. I don't want to wallow in self pity about how I'm not the person I used to be. I have been through a lot. It changed me. I will accept that and move forward as best I can; discovering the new me along the way. Hopefully, some one reading this will be able to relate and not feel so bad about themselves. Maybe give themselves a break and know that they are not alone. They last thing someone needs that is recovering from anxiety is to get depressed about something like this. So, join me in alittle self-acceptance and cut yourself a bit of slack. 

Just Do It

For me personally, when trying to break a bad habit or start a new habit, or deal with my anxiety disorder, the only thing that works for me seems to be to "just do it."

That may sound over-simplified, but it really is pretty much that simple. When I wanted to quit smoking after 15+ years of smoking over a pack a day, I had to just quit. I couldn't gradually reduce the amount of cigs I smoked a day. I had to go cold turkey. I had to suffer through the dizziness, the withdrawls, and just not ever have a cig. And to this day, I know that if I ever smoked a cigarette again, I'd start back up on a daily habit. So I make a daily choice not to smoke.

When I wanted to lose weight. I used MyFitnessPal app to track all my calories and exercise. When I did that, I lost 30 lbs.  Everyone knows that the formula for losing weight is to burn more calories than you take in. When I quit doing that, I've gained weight. It's that simple. If I had continued doing that, I would've continued to lose weight.

When I am in a deep depression or having daily panic attacks. I have to do the things that my mind is telling me not to do. My mind is telling me it's dangerous to get off the couch, or drive, or go to the store, or be around people, or sleep. So that's what I have to do. I have to do those things to prove to my mind that they are really ok, and that it's not going to kill me after all. When I stop doing those things and submit to my fear, things never get better. They only get worse.

This has been said a thousand different ways by a thousand different people: "Nothing worth having comes easy." "No pain, no gain.", ect. ect. I prefer to tell myself "just do it" -- whatever "it" is. Because the thing is, you can complain or worry or make 1000 different excuses as to why and at the end of all that, all you've done is delay yourself for another day from meeting your goal.

I don't pretend to be perfect by a long shot, nor will I pretend that I always "just do it." But I can say, that when I'm serious about making a change in my life, I find that "just doing it" always works. This formula has never failed me.

Returning to "Normal"

For me the end of 2015 was pretty much hell on earth. My anxiety was at such a high that I began to sink into a deep depression and found myself feeling really hopeless. I'm sure if you're reading this you've probably been there and know it's not a good place to be.

Through a combination of research, reading, blogging, exposure therapy, and support from my family and friends -- and yes, medication when necessary -- I have managed to claw my way out of the abiss. Or at least I would consider myself at the top edge, looking back down over the side at this point.

It hasn't been that long but when you can go a couple of days without having a panic attack after having them every day for so long, it can feel kind of weird. It's always in the back of your mind and even though I make efforts not to try to "avoid" a panic attack or any of my triggers, it's equally as hard to remember how to act normally and not focus on panic all the time.

And when I say "focus on panic" I don't mean worrying about having a panic attack but just working the process of being cognoscente of my thoughts and emotions. When you're not panicking all the time your mind tends to free up.

Sometimes I catch myself becoming aware that I am not worrying and I start to feel a symptom. Almost like my mind telling me, "see, you let your guard down, you forgot to worry. You forgot to be afraid."

This happened to me today, and it made me kind of anxious. I tried to remember my CBT process steps and then started to panic more because I couldn't remember exactly what to do. Even though I'd been focused on this stuff daily for over a month!

One of these days I am going to write a post about relaxation being a trigger for anxiety. I've done some research and found that I'm not alone in this.

For now, I guess I just wanted to write a post to remind myself that it's a process-- returning to normal- that is. And scarier still, realizing that this may be my new normal. Part of the process is just accepting that and this blog is a remind of that.