Returning to "Normal"

For me the end of 2015 was pretty much hell on earth. My anxiety was at such a high that I began to sink into a deep depression and found myself feeling really hopeless. I'm sure if you're reading this you've probably been there and know it's not a good place to be.

Through a combination of research, reading, blogging, exposure therapy, and support from my family and friends -- and yes, medication when necessary -- I have managed to claw my way out of the abiss. Or at least I would consider myself at the top edge, looking back down over the side at this point.

It hasn't been that long but when you can go a couple of days without having a panic attack after having them every day for so long, it can feel kind of weird. It's always in the back of your mind and even though I make efforts not to try to "avoid" a panic attack or any of my triggers, it's equally as hard to remember how to act normally and not focus on panic all the time.

And when I say "focus on panic" I don't mean worrying about having a panic attack but just working the process of being cognoscente of my thoughts and emotions. When you're not panicking all the time your mind tends to free up.

Sometimes I catch myself becoming aware that I am not worrying and I start to feel a symptom. Almost like my mind telling me, "see, you let your guard down, you forgot to worry. You forgot to be afraid."

This happened to me today, and it made me kind of anxious. I tried to remember my CBT process steps and then started to panic more because I couldn't remember exactly what to do. Even though I'd been focused on this stuff daily for over a month!

One of these days I am going to write a post about relaxation being a trigger for anxiety. I've done some research and found that I'm not alone in this.

For now, I guess I just wanted to write a post to remind myself that it's a process-- returning to normal- that is. And scarier still, realizing that this may be my new normal. Part of the process is just accepting that and this blog is a remind of that.

The PanicTrick

So I bought this book "Panic Attacks Workbook: A Guided Program for Beating the Panic Trick." Its by David Carbonell. I found the book through a website that David Carbonell has called www.anxietycoach.com . If you believe in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) it's a really good book and a good website to check out.

I really like how he refers to Panic as a "trick." Understanding that all the symptoms you experience during a panic attack are just that - symptoms - that are a reaction to the panic trick. You aren't in real danger - you're body is just acting like you are. You may not be able to control those symptoms at first but you can control how you react to them. It's powerful stuff -- and it has been working for me.

By no means do I think I'll never have another panic attack -- and I have panicked. But recognizing my dizziness and rapid heart beat as symptoms helps me defuse the situation and allows me to prevent myself from reacting in a way that would re-enforce those fears aka fleeing or jumping up and running away.

And I know it's working because by all rights I should've had multiple panic attacks today. I only had 3 hours of sleep last night. My support person - my husband - was out of town today. I had many "triggers" occur today - but no panic. I will celebrate this as a victory for me on this day.