Update

So this year has been very trying for me professionally. I'm working my dream job but it's extremely challenging and stressful every day. Multiple large projects going on apparently started taking a toll on my body early on this year. Actually in Dec of last year. This was following the death of my Memaw in November of last year.

As previously mentioned in my post about that trip, I conquered a huge fear travelling "home" for her funeral. I believe that her last gift to me was showing me that I am strong enough to do things that panic has told me I can't do for years. More about that later..

So my health issues started when my two fingers on my left hand started to go numb at random. It happened a few times and the doctor wrote it off as the beginning of carpel tunnel and recommended a brace. I wore the brace, then started experiencing numbness in my right hand. This is alarming b/c I am right handed and I, like many humans, need my hands to make a living. Then at night my hands were going to sleep but not like normal going to sleep. Like they were so numb that I literally couldn't feel them. I had to keep opening and closing them repeatedly to get feeling back. It was happening so frequently that another trip to the doc found that I had lost strength in my left hand. Long story short after primary care recommended me to an orthopedic surgeon, who recommended me to a nerve study, who found I didn't have carpel, led me to get an MRI, which turned out to be clear, which led me back to the the primary care physician who said that since I didn't have carpel, or MS, or Diabetes, Arthritis, or Cancer that it may be that my muscles were so tense that they were compressing my nerves. He asked if I had been under any stress lately. LOL That's a joke right.

I mean, I had heard stress was a killer but I had been stressed before, often actually, since my early teens. In fact, one of my panic triggers is being too relaxed if you can believe that! I think I was so happy to learn that I didn't have MS, I quickly reverted back to old "panic habits."  This was weird considering by this time I was having symptoms in my hands, toes, butt, and face on a daily basis but I hadn't had any panic attacks! Two years ago, I would've been spiraling out of control into my panic. But the only time during the whole thing I had a mild panic was when my face went numb. I mean, I thought for sure I had MS! Why, oh why, did the doc have to tell me that was a possibility! Anyway, all things considered, I was amazed it wasn't until after that I started reverting back to my anxiety habits.

The doc prescribed Prednisone 20mg/7 day course to knock the inflammation out. I immediately filled the prescription but then went to consult Dr. Google before taking the medication. Of course, my panic was telling me that I would get all the negative side effects and I would be worse off if I took it! I continued to suffer until I finally asked for something less aggressive, and was prescribed a muscle relaxer. The muscle relaxer would help a bit at night, but the pins and needles always came back. So finally, this week, -- my vacation week--, I decided to bite the bullet and take the damn Prednisone. I felt weird. I had side effects, but it is very obvious to me now that I should've listened to the damn doctor and taken the medication when I was prescribed it months ago. I have survived the side effects so far and they were nowhere near as bad as what I have been going through for 11 months. Even though I wasn't actively having panic attacks, I was letting my anxiety get in the way of my health. That is obvious to me now of course. But I felt compelled to blog about it to remind myself that, even in recovery, you must still be vigilent.

I've done so many things this year that at my lowest point, I thought I would never do again. Things I would never try again, things I told myself I just couldn't do because of my anxiety. I won't mention them all here but if you're reading this, you know what I mean. These aren't necessarily earth shattering things. In fact, to a person without anxiety or panic disorder they may seem silly. But they are aren't silly. They are things that people take for granted every day. Things that I am proud to say I don't take for granted anymore. I'm not living some globe trotting, extreme lifestyle but I can see myself traveling more, trying new things on a regular basis and you know what..I'm satisfied with that right now. I'm also encouraged by my progress and impressed with myself. I managed to lose 30lbs this year. While all this was going on. I happened to gain 20 of it back but if I keep that 10 off, it will be the first time in -- well ever really -- that over the course of a year, the scale moved down instead of up. That's huge for me. All things considered, one mild panic attack and 10lbs lost instead of a gain is amazing! And the year is not done yet! I still have 2 months to accomplish more goals that I set for myself this year. Hopefully writing this blog will serve as a reminder to myself as I have doubts, which I undoubtedly will. I can do this. I can get better. And if you're reading this, so can you! I know it's cliche but if I can, anyone can!