Remember the Normal

So I've been on vacation for the the past 9 days. One of the longest vacations I've had in my life. I didn't have many plans but I was looking forward to doing a few things and relaxing and having a great Christmas with my family.

Needless to say none of that happened. Right off the bat a cold and anxiety kept me from a small road trip to celebrate Christmas with the in-laws. Then insomnia kept me a awake night after night. Then my cold got worse as it went down into my chest.

I went to the doc and got a prescription for Valium because the anxiety was just so bad. I hate taking medicine and still had 2 pills in my Xanax prescription from 3 years ago, but I was so in my head and so caught up in my anxiety that I couldn't see any end in site. I finally gave in and ended up taking 1mg of Valium for the past couple of nights so I could sleep.

Tomorrow is the last day of my vacation before I have to go back to work. I could choose to focus on the fact that I didn't get to do the things I wanted to do. That I had a panic attack Christmas morning, or was so sick that I didn't get to spend as much quality time with my daughter as I would have liked. I could give in to my guilt that I "ruined Christmas" or that I'm becoming too much of a burden on my husband. I could do all of those things pretty easily.

Instead I will choose to focus on the fact that I also broke down and spoke to my Mom, who I haven't spoken to in years. I will congratulate myself on feeling semi-normal today --even though I am still a bit sick. I will be grateful for my wonderful husband who has woken up at all hours of the night to comfort me and help me through my panic attacks. I will think fondly on all the texts and calls I received from friends and family wishing me a Merry Christmas. I will acknowledge that I made it through at least one day --today -- without having a panic attack. ( I know the day isn't over but I'm being positive here :).

I wanted to write this to remind myself that even through all that I've been going through and that I will no doubt go through again, the feeling of "normal" will eventually return. Whether it returns with the help of sleep or medicine or prayer or support or even medical intervention. It will return.

I will tell myself not to lose hope and to remember the normal in those dark times.