So I bought this book "Panic Attacks Workbook: A Guided Program for Beating the Panic Trick." Its by David Carbonell. I found the book through a website that David Carbonell has called www.anxietycoach.com . If you believe in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) it's a really good book and a good website to check out.
I really like how he refers to Panic as a "trick." Understanding that all the symptoms you experience during a panic attack are just that - symptoms - that are a reaction to the panic trick. You aren't in real danger - you're body is just acting like you are. You may not be able to control those symptoms at first but you can control how you react to them. It's powerful stuff -- and it has been working for me.
By no means do I think I'll never have another panic attack -- and I have panicked. But recognizing my dizziness and rapid heart beat as symptoms helps me defuse the situation and allows me to prevent myself from reacting in a way that would re-enforce those fears aka fleeing or jumping up and running away.
And I know it's working because by all rights I should've had multiple panic attacks today. I only had 3 hours of sleep last night. My support person - my husband - was out of town today. I had many "triggers" occur today - but no panic. I will celebrate this as a victory for me on this day.
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Remember the Normal
So I've been on vacation for the the past 9 days. One of the longest vacations I've had in my life. I didn't have many plans but I was looking forward to doing a few things and relaxing and having a great Christmas with my family.
Needless to say none of that happened. Right off the bat a cold and anxiety kept me from a small road trip to celebrate Christmas with the in-laws. Then insomnia kept me a awake night after night. Then my cold got worse as it went down into my chest.
I went to the doc and got a prescription for Valium because the anxiety was just so bad. I hate taking medicine and still had 2 pills in my Xanax prescription from 3 years ago, but I was so in my head and so caught up in my anxiety that I couldn't see any end in site. I finally gave in and ended up taking 1mg of Valium for the past couple of nights so I could sleep.
Tomorrow is the last day of my vacation before I have to go back to work. I could choose to focus on the fact that I didn't get to do the things I wanted to do. That I had a panic attack Christmas morning, or was so sick that I didn't get to spend as much quality time with my daughter as I would have liked. I could give in to my guilt that I "ruined Christmas" or that I'm becoming too much of a burden on my husband. I could do all of those things pretty easily.
Instead I will choose to focus on the fact that I also broke down and spoke to my Mom, who I haven't spoken to in years. I will congratulate myself on feeling semi-normal today --even though I am still a bit sick. I will be grateful for my wonderful husband who has woken up at all hours of the night to comfort me and help me through my panic attacks. I will think fondly on all the texts and calls I received from friends and family wishing me a Merry Christmas. I will acknowledge that I made it through at least one day --today -- without having a panic attack. ( I know the day isn't over but I'm being positive here :).
I wanted to write this to remind myself that even through all that I've been going through and that I will no doubt go through again, the feeling of "normal" will eventually return. Whether it returns with the help of sleep or medicine or prayer or support or even medical intervention. It will return.
I will tell myself not to lose hope and to remember the normal in those dark times.
Needless to say none of that happened. Right off the bat a cold and anxiety kept me from a small road trip to celebrate Christmas with the in-laws. Then insomnia kept me a awake night after night. Then my cold got worse as it went down into my chest.
I went to the doc and got a prescription for Valium because the anxiety was just so bad. I hate taking medicine and still had 2 pills in my Xanax prescription from 3 years ago, but I was so in my head and so caught up in my anxiety that I couldn't see any end in site. I finally gave in and ended up taking 1mg of Valium for the past couple of nights so I could sleep.
Tomorrow is the last day of my vacation before I have to go back to work. I could choose to focus on the fact that I didn't get to do the things I wanted to do. That I had a panic attack Christmas morning, or was so sick that I didn't get to spend as much quality time with my daughter as I would have liked. I could give in to my guilt that I "ruined Christmas" or that I'm becoming too much of a burden on my husband. I could do all of those things pretty easily.
Instead I will choose to focus on the fact that I also broke down and spoke to my Mom, who I haven't spoken to in years. I will congratulate myself on feeling semi-normal today --even though I am still a bit sick. I will be grateful for my wonderful husband who has woken up at all hours of the night to comfort me and help me through my panic attacks. I will think fondly on all the texts and calls I received from friends and family wishing me a Merry Christmas. I will acknowledge that I made it through at least one day --today -- without having a panic attack. ( I know the day isn't over but I'm being positive here :).
I wanted to write this to remind myself that even through all that I've been going through and that I will no doubt go through again, the feeling of "normal" will eventually return. Whether it returns with the help of sleep or medicine or prayer or support or even medical intervention. It will return.
I will tell myself not to lose hope and to remember the normal in those dark times.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Insomnia & Anxiety - Round and Round We Go
So, I've suffered from insomnia on and off for years. I will go through periods of time (weeks sometimes) where I cannot fall asleep until 3, 4, or sometimes 5 am. Here's the rub. I need to sleep to reduce my anxiety and stress, and yet I am scared to a) go to sleep b) not be able to go to sleep, both of which keep me awake.
When I'm not having terrible anxiety and just the insomnia, it's not quite as bad. I accept the fact that I probably won't fall asleep until 3 or 4am and that's ok. I will be able to "make up" for it the next night. When I'm not anxious, the insomnia cycle usually only lasts 2 or 3 nights. Then I fall back into my normal sleep routine.
However, when I am going through heavy anxiety periods, like I am now. The cycle is utterly miserable. I often think "why won't my brain just shut off"? "Why can't I just go to sleep, I know sleep will help me!" I fear taking anything that will make me go to sleep because I don't want to become addicted to anything or have to depend on sleep aids. So right now, I'm caught in one of those cycles. It's been 3 weeks now and the insomnia is getting worse. I'm sick, on my period, having panic attacks daily, and going through a major life change-- my husband, who is my support person, is going back to school and will be gone 2 days every week for the next 2 months.
I broke down and bought some ZZZquil today. Of course, I'm scouring the internet to find out if I should take it with anxiety or any negative side effects that it might have. Most of the reviews I have seen have been positive and I am going to try to put away my negative thoughts, bite the bullet and take some ZZZquil before bed tonight.
I will let you know how it goes tomorrow.
12/23/15 follow up: Zzzquil may work but my guess is that you have to take the right dose. The recommended dose is 30 ml. I took 10ml at 9pm and another 10ml at 2am. Didn't get to sleep until after 5am once again :(
When I'm not having terrible anxiety and just the insomnia, it's not quite as bad. I accept the fact that I probably won't fall asleep until 3 or 4am and that's ok. I will be able to "make up" for it the next night. When I'm not anxious, the insomnia cycle usually only lasts 2 or 3 nights. Then I fall back into my normal sleep routine.
However, when I am going through heavy anxiety periods, like I am now. The cycle is utterly miserable. I often think "why won't my brain just shut off"? "Why can't I just go to sleep, I know sleep will help me!" I fear taking anything that will make me go to sleep because I don't want to become addicted to anything or have to depend on sleep aids. So right now, I'm caught in one of those cycles. It's been 3 weeks now and the insomnia is getting worse. I'm sick, on my period, having panic attacks daily, and going through a major life change-- my husband, who is my support person, is going back to school and will be gone 2 days every week for the next 2 months.
I broke down and bought some ZZZquil today. Of course, I'm scouring the internet to find out if I should take it with anxiety or any negative side effects that it might have. Most of the reviews I have seen have been positive and I am going to try to put away my negative thoughts, bite the bullet and take some ZZZquil before bed tonight.
I will let you know how it goes tomorrow.
12/23/15 follow up: Zzzquil may work but my guess is that you have to take the right dose. The recommended dose is 30 ml. I took 10ml at 9pm and another 10ml at 2am. Didn't get to sleep until after 5am once again :(
Monday, December 21, 2015
Fear - It's Irrational
Like many people who suffer from anxiety, while in the midst of the thing, I have many, many irrational fears. These fears are totally without merit and when not in a state of panic, I know that they are not true. However when you are caught in the tidal wave of panic none of that seems to matter.
Here are some of the crazy thoughts that go through my head when I'm having a panic attack:
- I will never be able to leave the house
- I will never be able to drive again
- I will never be able to support myself financially (keep a job)
- I will lose all my friends because no one wants to deal with a crazy person or a Debbie Downer
- I will not be able to take care of my child
- I will go crazy
- My body will overheat and I'll have a stroke
- It is not safe to be too far from home
- I will never fly in an airplane again
- I will never be happy again
- I will never be able to relax again
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