Friends and Anxiety

Right now I'm at a point of transition in my life and in my anxiety. Having had anxiety since around 2004, I've suffered at varying levels over the years. At certain points, it was only affecting my sleep (I would feel like I was going to die in my sleep and therefore had trouble falling asleep), and at other points it was so bad that I felt like I could not leave the house, leave the couch, or even actually bend over for fear of having a panic attack. Years of fear, negative thoughts, coupled with depression brought on by my anxiety, left me a changed person. Without a doubt, my anxiety had taken a once, outgoing, vivacious, funny, full of life woman and turned her into an obese introvert that is sometimes scared of her own shadow.

I've been extremely fortunate to have a wonderful, loving husband who would do anything in the world for me. I had a full blown panic attack (including trip to hospital) the night after our wedding. He has been in it with me since the beginning and has stuck by my side through it all. I will always be grateful to him for that. However, I am a woman who has always enjoyed having a group of strong, funny, women friends to run around and be wild with. 

In high school I had my softball girls, and our trips to the creek to get plastered in the hot Mississippi sun, or our neighborhood scavenger hunts that ended up in shaving cream fights. In college, of course, I was exposed to all sorts of different new people. I loved people. I loved getting to know people. I made a new friend every day of the week. My gregarious self was often times the life of the party and people enjoyed including me in things. I once hopped a car full of upper class-men headed to New Orleans on about 1 hours notice. I was up for anything. I went to Micronesia for a study abroad program for Christ's sake. I was adventurous -- is my point. 

Even after college, I always made friends in the different places I worked. Drinks after work, trips to FL, holiday gift exchanges, house parties, the works. This was my life, and nature up until about 24 years old. 

Then the anxiety came. I stopped smoking pot at 24. I stopped drinking at 26. I had heart surgery at 29. I stopped leaving the house and doing things around 33. 

That's a very condensed version of my anxiety but I don't want to get into the details of my anxiety. You can see that in other posts or if you're reading this, you most likely already know what anxiety and depression does to a person. It just makes your world smaller and smaller. 

Along the way however, all those friends I had made eventually got on with their lives. Some I had less and less in common with since I had quit partying. It's amazing how many relationships I had that revolved around drinking and rabble-rousing. And I'm not knocking it-- listen I really and truly wish I could still drink. I feel like it's great fun, and a great way to unwind and let loose. Unfortunately for me, anytime I'm not fully in control of my body and mind - I tend to have panic attacks. It's a bummer. But I guess my point is that I lost a lot of friends after I quit drinking. I didn't want to be the sober one around a bunch of drunk people and the "crazy" do anything girl that they where used to was not there anymore to keep them entertained. It just felt awkward. 

My social circle paired down to those who I truly had a connection with. And over the past few years, since I've been working from home, that circle has dwindled even more. I truly cherish the friendships that I have that remain in tact. I try my best to work hard at keeping them. Now that I am somewhat coming out of my anxiety cloud, I want to try to "get out there" and put my self in situations where I can meet new people and make new connections. However, in doing that, I am finding that I am a different person than I used to be. I have never felt socially awkward in the past, but now, it's almost like I'm out of practice or something.

I am viewing this as a phase of recovery. That's why I wanted to blog about it. I don't want to wallow in self pity about how I'm not the person I used to be. I have been through a lot. It changed me. I will accept that and move forward as best I can; discovering the new me along the way. Hopefully, some one reading this will be able to relate and not feel so bad about themselves. Maybe give themselves a break and know that they are not alone. They last thing someone needs that is recovering from anxiety is to get depressed about something like this. So, join me in alittle self-acceptance and cut yourself a bit of slack. 

Just Do It

For me personally, when trying to break a bad habit or start a new habit, or deal with my anxiety disorder, the only thing that works for me seems to be to "just do it."

That may sound over-simplified, but it really is pretty much that simple. When I wanted to quit smoking after 15+ years of smoking over a pack a day, I had to just quit. I couldn't gradually reduce the amount of cigs I smoked a day. I had to go cold turkey. I had to suffer through the dizziness, the withdrawls, and just not ever have a cig. And to this day, I know that if I ever smoked a cigarette again, I'd start back up on a daily habit. So I make a daily choice not to smoke.

When I wanted to lose weight. I used MyFitnessPal app to track all my calories and exercise. When I did that, I lost 30 lbs.  Everyone knows that the formula for losing weight is to burn more calories than you take in. When I quit doing that, I've gained weight. It's that simple. If I had continued doing that, I would've continued to lose weight.

When I am in a deep depression or having daily panic attacks. I have to do the things that my mind is telling me not to do. My mind is telling me it's dangerous to get off the couch, or drive, or go to the store, or be around people, or sleep. So that's what I have to do. I have to do those things to prove to my mind that they are really ok, and that it's not going to kill me after all. When I stop doing those things and submit to my fear, things never get better. They only get worse.

This has been said a thousand different ways by a thousand different people: "Nothing worth having comes easy." "No pain, no gain.", ect. ect. I prefer to tell myself "just do it" -- whatever "it" is. Because the thing is, you can complain or worry or make 1000 different excuses as to why and at the end of all that, all you've done is delay yourself for another day from meeting your goal.

I don't pretend to be perfect by a long shot, nor will I pretend that I always "just do it." But I can say, that when I'm serious about making a change in my life, I find that "just doing it" always works. This formula has never failed me.

Returning to "Normal"

For me the end of 2015 was pretty much hell on earth. My anxiety was at such a high that I began to sink into a deep depression and found myself feeling really hopeless. I'm sure if you're reading this you've probably been there and know it's not a good place to be.

Through a combination of research, reading, blogging, exposure therapy, and support from my family and friends -- and yes, medication when necessary -- I have managed to claw my way out of the abiss. Or at least I would consider myself at the top edge, looking back down over the side at this point.

It hasn't been that long but when you can go a couple of days without having a panic attack after having them every day for so long, it can feel kind of weird. It's always in the back of your mind and even though I make efforts not to try to "avoid" a panic attack or any of my triggers, it's equally as hard to remember how to act normally and not focus on panic all the time.

And when I say "focus on panic" I don't mean worrying about having a panic attack but just working the process of being cognoscente of my thoughts and emotions. When you're not panicking all the time your mind tends to free up.

Sometimes I catch myself becoming aware that I am not worrying and I start to feel a symptom. Almost like my mind telling me, "see, you let your guard down, you forgot to worry. You forgot to be afraid."

This happened to me today, and it made me kind of anxious. I tried to remember my CBT process steps and then started to panic more because I couldn't remember exactly what to do. Even though I'd been focused on this stuff daily for over a month!

One of these days I am going to write a post about relaxation being a trigger for anxiety. I've done some research and found that I'm not alone in this.

For now, I guess I just wanted to write a post to remind myself that it's a process-- returning to normal- that is. And scarier still, realizing that this may be my new normal. Part of the process is just accepting that and this blog is a remind of that.

The PanicTrick

So I bought this book "Panic Attacks Workbook: A Guided Program for Beating the Panic Trick." Its by David Carbonell. I found the book through a website that David Carbonell has called www.anxietycoach.com . If you believe in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) it's a really good book and a good website to check out.

I really like how he refers to Panic as a "trick." Understanding that all the symptoms you experience during a panic attack are just that - symptoms - that are a reaction to the panic trick. You aren't in real danger - you're body is just acting like you are. You may not be able to control those symptoms at first but you can control how you react to them. It's powerful stuff -- and it has been working for me.

By no means do I think I'll never have another panic attack -- and I have panicked. But recognizing my dizziness and rapid heart beat as symptoms helps me defuse the situation and allows me to prevent myself from reacting in a way that would re-enforce those fears aka fleeing or jumping up and running away.

And I know it's working because by all rights I should've had multiple panic attacks today. I only had 3 hours of sleep last night. My support person - my husband - was out of town today. I had many "triggers" occur today - but no panic. I will celebrate this as a victory for me on this day.

Remember the Normal

So I've been on vacation for the the past 9 days. One of the longest vacations I've had in my life. I didn't have many plans but I was looking forward to doing a few things and relaxing and having a great Christmas with my family.

Needless to say none of that happened. Right off the bat a cold and anxiety kept me from a small road trip to celebrate Christmas with the in-laws. Then insomnia kept me a awake night after night. Then my cold got worse as it went down into my chest.

I went to the doc and got a prescription for Valium because the anxiety was just so bad. I hate taking medicine and still had 2 pills in my Xanax prescription from 3 years ago, but I was so in my head and so caught up in my anxiety that I couldn't see any end in site. I finally gave in and ended up taking 1mg of Valium for the past couple of nights so I could sleep.

Tomorrow is the last day of my vacation before I have to go back to work. I could choose to focus on the fact that I didn't get to do the things I wanted to do. That I had a panic attack Christmas morning, or was so sick that I didn't get to spend as much quality time with my daughter as I would have liked. I could give in to my guilt that I "ruined Christmas" or that I'm becoming too much of a burden on my husband. I could do all of those things pretty easily.

Instead I will choose to focus on the fact that I also broke down and spoke to my Mom, who I haven't spoken to in years. I will congratulate myself on feeling semi-normal today --even though I am still a bit sick. I will be grateful for my wonderful husband who has woken up at all hours of the night to comfort me and help me through my panic attacks. I will think fondly on all the texts and calls I received from friends and family wishing me a Merry Christmas. I will acknowledge that I made it through at least one day --today -- without having a panic attack. ( I know the day isn't over but I'm being positive here :).

I wanted to write this to remind myself that even through all that I've been going through and that I will no doubt go through again, the feeling of "normal" will eventually return. Whether it returns with the help of sleep or medicine or prayer or support or even medical intervention. It will return.

I will tell myself not to lose hope and to remember the normal in those dark times.

Insomnia & Anxiety - Round and Round We Go

So, I've suffered from insomnia on and off for years. I will go through periods of time (weeks sometimes) where I cannot fall asleep until 3, 4, or sometimes 5 am. Here's the rub. I need to sleep to reduce my anxiety and stress, and yet I am scared to a) go to sleep b) not be able to go to sleep, both of which keep me awake.

When I'm not having terrible anxiety and just the insomnia, it's not quite as bad. I accept the fact that I probably won't fall asleep until 3 or 4am and that's ok. I will be able to "make up" for it the next night. When I'm not anxious, the insomnia cycle usually only lasts 2 or 3 nights. Then I fall back into my normal sleep routine.

However, when I am going through heavy anxiety periods, like I am now. The cycle is utterly miserable. I often think "why won't my brain just shut off"? "Why can't I just go to sleep, I know sleep will help me!" I fear taking anything that will make me go to sleep because I don't want to become addicted to anything or have to depend on sleep aids. So right now, I'm caught in one of those cycles. It's been 3 weeks now and the insomnia is getting worse. I'm sick, on my period, having panic attacks daily, and going through a major life change-- my husband, who is my support person, is going back to school and will be gone 2 days every week for the next 2 months.

I broke down and bought some ZZZquil today. Of course, I'm scouring the internet to find out if I should take it with anxiety or any negative side effects that it might have. Most of the reviews I have seen have been positive and I am going to try to put away my negative thoughts, bite the bullet and take some ZZZquil before bed tonight.

I will let you know how it goes tomorrow.


12/23/15 follow up: Zzzquil may work but my guess is that you have to take the right dose. The recommended dose is 30 ml. I took 10ml at 9pm and another 10ml at 2am. Didn't get to sleep until after 5am once again :(

Fear - It's Irrational

Like many people who suffer from anxiety, while in the midst of the thing, I have many, many irrational fears. These fears are totally without merit and when not in a state of panic, I know that they are not true. However when you are caught in the tidal wave of panic none of that seems to matter.

Here are some of the crazy thoughts that go through my head when I'm having a panic attack: 

• I will never be able to leave the house
• I will never be able to drive again
• I will never be able to support myself financially (keep a job)
• I will lose all my friends because no one wants to deal with a crazy person or a Debbie Downer
• I will not be able to take care of my child
• I will go crazy
• My body will overheat and I'll have a stroke
• It is not safe to be too far from home
• I will never fly in an airplane again
• I will never be happy again
• I will never be able to relax again